Finding Comfort in the Face of Loss
By Ran Courant-Morgan, M.S., BCBA, CCUI, ADT-IAABC, LFPE
The past several months have seen our friends and family members through heartbreaking losses of beloved pets. Regardless of the fact that we know we will lose our pets - their lives are never long enough! - the loss is always devastating and often incredibly lonely.
We (Ran and Stephanie) have experienced the deaths of our pets in our lives, from small animals we had for just a year or two as children to our dogs who have accompanied us through many homes, states, and other milestones. Over the years, we have accumulated a few tangible tips and experiences that have brought us comfort, and we would like to share them in case they bring comfort to you or to loved ones you are looking to support.
What we have given and received
Dinner. The night that we said goodbye to our old dog Daphne, a meal simply showed up at our house. It turns out that a friend had just made the decision to order and have takeout delivered. Was it our favorite food? You know what? It did not matter. It was food and it was love and it just appeared at a time when talking to someone or making another decision felt impossible. This was an incredible gift.
Poetry. When I, Ran, lost my heart dog Lenny, Stephanie gave me the beautiful book, The Last Will And Testament Of An Extremely Distinguished Dog. When Stephanie’s lovely Levi passed away, I sent Stephanie Mary Oliver’s Dog Songs: Poems. Being able to read about others understanding life with dogs the way we do has brought so much comfort.
A star. After Lenny died, I received mail from a friend that turned out to be an official notification that a star had been named for my little dog. It included a beautiful map of exactly which star it was.
Donations in the dog’s name. When our neighbor’s dog passed, we donated in order to have a kennel named for her dog at the local shelter. These options are often available at different levels and for different periods of time. It can bring comfort to know that the love we have had for our own dogs can help support homeless dogs finding their people.
Art. Stephanie was gifted an exquisite custom painting of her dog after his passing, and separately received a custom paint-by-numbers of her dog. Ran and their wife worked with artist Sarah Leuzzi to put together a goofy and incredibly sweet art piece after the passing of their cat, Piper, which involved listing Piper’s primary traits, and therefore also involved a lot of laughter and reminiscing.
What we have done for ourselves
Make a photo album. Pull together the photos of your pet and put them in a book. They don’t need to be perfect. It doesn’t need to be the best versions of your pet - but many of them, in one place, that you can look through as needed. Services like Social Print Studio will pull Instagram photos and print them, so minimal planning is needed. Once you have your book, you can keep it as is, or write memories or reflections in it.
Set up a memorial “altar” with candles. When Lenny died, I felt utterly lost; I didn’t know how the pattern of my days fit together without her. My amazing therapist suggested that I use some of the times that had been for Lenny to light a candle and write a memory of her in my photo book. We cleared off the top of a bookshelf and set up a picture of her, some candles, and the photo book. When I came home from work and would typically have taken Lenny for a walk, I instead lit my candle and scribbled something in the book. This was nearly a decade ago, and I still smile (and yes, tear up a bit) when I read some of the things I wrote.
Volunteer at a shelter. I was not ready to have another dog after losing Lenny, but I also was not equipped to just keep on keeping on with the dog-sized hole in my life. I started volunteering at the shelter near me, where I walked dogs at 6am on Monday mornings, at the time when it was hardest to find volunteers. It always kicked off my week on a good note, got lots of tail wags, and I felt appreciated being able to help where I was needed.
Visit the Dog Chapel. If you are in New England, The Dog Chapel at Dog Mountain is worth a visit. This beautiful location has a chapel on the grounds, and the walls are plastered in notes, pictures, and memories of people’s cherished dogs. In a world where the loss of a pet can feel so incredibly lonely, this can be a validating and comforting place to feel surrounded by understanding.
There are so many things that we can offer ourselves and each other - and there is also nothing that will fill the hole our beloved pets leave when they leave us. Both of these things are okay. Some other resources that we have heard about but don’t have personal experience with include:
Reading books about grief and the loss of a pet
Working with a therapist, like Laurie Levine, who specializes in Pet Loss Grief Counseling & Caregiver Support, or join a support group
It is like / loving an animal: / hopeless, an extravagance
we were meant for: / startled, continually, / by what we’re willing
to feel.
Excerpt from “Once” by Paisley Rekdal